update

Wow, it's been a while sorry it has taken me so long. I wish I could be better at this blogging stuff. Life is changing in so many ways. The boys are bigger and older and thankfully I can not say the same about myself. Well I am older I am not bigger. The hard work and dedication is paying off. My weight is dropping and my mood is lifting. Financially things have been really difficult over the last year or so but things are looking up and I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been running and I'm getting better and better. I can now do a 12 minute mile, to some that might be slow but to me it's amazing. Just a few short weeks ago I was unable to run on the treadmill for more than 4-5 minutes. I have learned that in order to run long distances I need to already be warmed up. So I run my best if I've been to a zumba, or kick boxing class first. Then I can just bang it out. But warming up on the treadmill is no good for me. Weird things we learn about our body.

Anyway, life is good. The Church is TRUE!

ttyl

This is how it is

I guess it's time to get active about this blog. It has been way too long. My weight loss journey is still continuing. I know work with a trainer 1 day a week and try my best to hit the gym 5 other days for an hour. I recently started the children's class at the gym and this has made the biggest difference for me. I can now work out during the day while Todd is in school and the other boys are playing downstairs in the children's area. When I was working out in the evenings I often felt like I had to miss out on activities w/ the family or friends. Not any more, by the time the evening rolls around I already have my workout in! It's a great feeling.

I'm starting to see my body change now. The hard work is starting to pay off. I'll have to get some measurements and pictures up soon. I feel so blessed to have a supportive husband and friends who root me on! This journey to conquer obesity is a long and arduous undertaking. If it means that my example, hard work and dedication prevent one of my children from ever having to deal with this then it will be worth it. That and, not dying prematurely due to obesity related conditions. I'm determined. It may take me a couple of years to get this off but, it took me almost 10 to put it all on!

One step at a time, one tear at a time, one milestone at at time.

My weight loss jouney

***These pics are me at my heaviest. Summer 2009 after the birth of my 3rd son Ender Stone Keith.*****

So my journey to lose weight has been fairly good. I needed to lose 150lbs. No joke! I started gaining weight fairly substantially when I found out that I had hypothyroidism. I started taking thyroid medication to help but, the weight just wouldn't budge. I went from being pretty normal and fairly fit. By fairly fit I mean I could go to karate class in the morning, and head to the gym in the evening for weight training then hit the track for 10 miles. It became my drug of choice instead of food. Adrenaline and endorphins were regular companions. I loved it! I remember living in N. Ogden with a bunch of roomates and we were right by the mountain. At the end of the block was the gate to go hiking. One of my good friends Gail and I would often venture out for a run up the trail along the mountain to the water fall and back. It was gorgeous and nothing could touch the feelings you felt when you saw the amazing view of the canyon and the mountains and the waterfall. The sound of your heart beating strong and rhythmically was better than music.

At any rate after Nate and I got married my weight kind of went down hill. I didn't have a job right away after we got married and I didn't know anyone in the area and I didn't have any friends. I was all alone. Eventually all of those things worked themselves out. I found a job I started making friends but, it wasn't easy. I was very stressed after we first got married. We ended up pregnant, we were both excited. Even though we both wanted to wait a little bit longer to have kids, we were ecstatic anyway. In December of 2004 I miscarried. I was devastated. I broke. It utterly broke my heart. Not only did it break my heart but, I was completely unaware at the time that I was suffering from postpartum depression. I often had thoughts of suicide and was very scared and afraid that I might take my own life. I expressed these concerns to my husband who at the time couldn't understand. I felt like part of me had died and that I died with it. I ended up coming out of it fine and to make a long and depressing story short this is when I started to really, really pack it on. It seems as though my passion for "life" and "fitness" had changed.

Since that time I had 3 kids and another miscarriage. Not in that order. This didn't help my weight issues at all. Now that my soul has healed and that I'm in an awesome place mentally I yearn again for the way I felt when I was fit. As terrible as it sounds I yearn for someone to "kick my trash". I remember a few karate classes when I thought I just couldn't go any further and the moment you think it your instructor is somehow reading your mind and pushes to new boundaries. I once enjoyed rock climbing, hiking and canoeing. Now I feel to big to do these activities. Well at least I did before I started my journey.

In June of 2009 I gave birth to Ender Stone Keith. Ender is my 3rd boy and he is wonderful. Being pregnant for me was so constricting. I was often in pain and uncomfortable. At the end of this pregnancy I really couldn't do it anymore. He came 1 month early. I weighed 260lbs when I got pregnant with Ender. By the time I gave birth I was approaching 290lbs. I was inching closer and closer to the 300lb mark. I was so freaked out! I was having so many pregnancy complications that working out through the pregnancy was out of the question. I was having heart palpitations and "pvc's" premature ventricular contractions. For a little bit I had to wear a heart monitor and I was scared. I was forced to think about what it would be like for my sweet husband to raise these 3 boys by himself. I was too unhealthy to stick around.

I once was strong but, now I was weak. After I had Ender I came home from the hospital and I still weighed 290lbs. I didn't understand. How could this be. I just had a baby that weighed almost 8 lbs not to mention everything else that goes along with having a baby. I should have a the minimum lost 10 lbs. I mean come on. After my 6 weeks of restricted activities. I went for it. I wanted to do as much as I could. Only now it was difficult for other reasons.

I had 3 little boys to take care of full time. All of them were under 3. If you have ever done this it's a lot of work and yes your moving around a lot but, your not getting the workouts you need to lose the kind of weight I needed to lose. I often found myself skipping meals because I was so busy I would forget to eat. Sounds crazy but it's true. I would be so busy making the boys breakfast and getting them around for the day I would completely zoom right past breakfast. Then I would be changing diapers, playing games, feeding the baby, taking kids to doctor's visits, doing laundry, vacuuming floors, doing dishes, then one of them would go down for a nap, then I would feed the boys lunch. When you have 3 little boys you do not get to eat when they eat. It's a joke. I was too busy getting juice and making the lunch and cutting everything up and wiping up messes and really you wouldn't understand unless you were actually living it. Still right now my husband and I are like chickens with our heads cut off at dinner time because something is always going on or the baby seems to cry every time we sit down to eat. So often I would end up skipping lunch and not on purpose. Then by around 3 pm my body is starving. Instead of reaching for something I figure its best to chug some water and wait until my husband gets home from work and we'll have dinner around 4:30 and 5. Then I eat a huge dinner. So this became a cycle and every once and a while it creeps back up.

I'm trying to get better at it. I've also been trying to work out with the boys. I will turn on some music and dance, then we will run around the house. I will often use them as weights and do reps while holding them above my head for arm presses. Or I'll lie on my back and bench press on of them. I will even have them on my legs and lift them as slowly and efficiently as I can. I would do rep after rep after rep. Not to mention they loved it. They never get tired of being lifted in the air. It is always me who tires out first. I will often race them up the stairs to do the next load of laundry. I'll pop one of the kids in a laundry basket full of clean clothes and carry it to the right place to be folded. I try to play as actively and physically with my kids as I can. I also try to eat all 3 meals and 2 snacks every day, making sure to drink enough water. I've been trying to notice my triggers or the things that make me feel like eating when it's not the right time to eat. This has helped me replace that habit with something else. I often chew gum throughout the day so that I'm not subconsciously snacking during the day or while I'm preparing meals. I also cook every single meal at home and try to used as little processed foods as possible. (This I think has made the biggest difference in my weight loss.)

So these are the changes I have made. I still yearn to be the woman at the gym running the track for hours or the lady taking the power lifting class. I should be. That was once me. I watch them sometimes when I'm taking Todd to gymnastics and I'm jealous that they get to do those things and I look to my right and Ender is asleep in the double stroller and Christian is having a snack while Todd is in his class. So, for now I chose to be the best Mom I can. I have to try to lose weight with tools I already have. I just have to figure out what those tools are.

Since July of 2009: I started at 287 lbs, size really, really big. Today November 22nd the week of Thanksgiving I weigh 247 lbs size 20. I have averaged 10 lbs/month for 4 months. I need to amp it up now. Not the amount of weight I lose in a month but the work outs and I'm not sure how or when or what to do. I'm thinking of starting a little fitness class at my house a couple of nights a week. Where we can just get together move the couches out of the way and then workout to a video. I will do that. The week after thanksgiving that's what I will do. It will be called the "No judgment zone" I think that will be the next step on my journey.

A blog just for ME

I started posting things and feelings on my family blog and well I'm just not sure thats the right place for it. So, today I decided to create a blog just for me. If I never share this blog with anyone it will still have served a great purpose. In order to ever read this blog you must come with no judgment. Because, it is for the sole benefit of being able to express myself through words. It will intern be a diary of sorts.